Should I Be Feeling Spring Like?
For a list of reasons I haven't posted much on any of my social media platforms recently. So much over the last month has happened. The most important being my partners mother died. It seems some what ironic that spring is the season for rebirth and yet he lost possibly the one person he could always depend on. But maybe that's the point, her death could give more life to him and his children. It could build stronger relationships and repair bridges. How both him and I got together was totally a story of happiness for his family (which I won't go into because that would involve a therapy session or another blog) they are still hurt even two years down the line. Forgiveness is always hard but in the end it can only be for good.
Of course, this huge event has repercussions on our relationship. I know he is struggling and he is trying to keep busy as a distraction. I feel as if I can't help, and maybe I can't. Maybe I just need to carry on and care for him in an everyday normal manner. It's hard to know what is right in these circumstances, as I am sure he doesn't quite know either. I feel lost and it's hard to explain exactly why. Even now I am lost for words to describe my emotions. I am watching him suffer and I can't properly reach out and help. His family have done wonderfully in rallying round to support him which couldn't make me happier, because their relationships have been strained since I turned up on the scene. I am very aware that second relationships with children have difficulties (I come from one of those families) I only ever want them to accept his choices. This whole topic is incredibly difficult to write about, as no one has the answers but almost everyone has an opinion.
The silver lining is that my job has given me an opportunity to go on a working holiday to Mexico, which couldn't be better. However with recent events I couldn't ask my partner and I took the decision that he couldn't come. I understand right now he has so much to comprehend and come to terms with, but for some reason he hesitates travelling abroad with me. For whatever reason he doesn't want to or can't explain it to me which obviously hurts. It has grown into a bigger issue than it needs to be (at the moment it isn't the right time to discuss it with him) but I can't help but wonder if he is afraid of something. Whatever it is, it makes me sad. I want to enjoy my life and I want to enjoy it with him.
So as an alternative I asked a few people if they wanted to accompany me on the trip. The first being my housemate (who is from New Zealand - this is important for reason's I will explain later). The holiday happens to cross over with a trip her mother has planned over to the UK. The crossover would be a day, but it has inexplicably blown up into a very nasty argument which makes me feel incredibly bad. My trip as highlighted above would always have been a working holiday and a great opportunity for my house mate, so it angers me when her mother and fellow woman doesn't want to support her. But it isn't her mother's point of view, understandably as she has travelled thousands of miles. I worry that I am causing a rift between people at times? My partner and his family and my friends and their families. It's a question I would usually and confidently say no to, I always try reason. My partner being one of the most understanding men I have ever met always says 'try and look at it from the other person's point of view, maybe you aren't considering everything'. And maybe in this case I didn't. So I can only ever apologise.
There is another friend who could fly over with me, but there isn't anything confirmed. Being alone is one of my insecurities no matter how independent or confident I feel it can often isolate you.
I search for consistency and strength in my life but its hard to be confident all the time. I am also sure there are 20 somethings out there who feel as if they are failing or falling behind because of the pressure they put on themselves, it's hard to give your or yourself any kind of answer. I guess the only real objective is to keep moving forward and see where you end up.
I have struggled to write a lot of this post as everything feels very raw and emotional but I'm determined to end on a positive note. Spring is a huge metaphor for change, so I can only hope these events will lead me down a path to a happier outcome. I need to take all the positives out of my situation, like my strong relationship, my amazing career opportunity and my determination to not give up! As much as I have moaned and sobbed about my situation I am proud of what I have achieved by myself and that is what I should be focusing on.
This blog was meant to quite light hearted originally and try and unashamedly convince you to buy my cushions (I of course still want you to do that!) but it went along a heavier route. I hope you all made it to the end and thank you if you did.
As a last note, if you are interested in any of the products head over to our page at www.etsy.com/uk/shop/MatsonBailey
Of course, this huge event has repercussions on our relationship. I know he is struggling and he is trying to keep busy as a distraction. I feel as if I can't help, and maybe I can't. Maybe I just need to carry on and care for him in an everyday normal manner. It's hard to know what is right in these circumstances, as I am sure he doesn't quite know either. I feel lost and it's hard to explain exactly why. Even now I am lost for words to describe my emotions. I am watching him suffer and I can't properly reach out and help. His family have done wonderfully in rallying round to support him which couldn't make me happier, because their relationships have been strained since I turned up on the scene. I am very aware that second relationships with children have difficulties (I come from one of those families) I only ever want them to accept his choices. This whole topic is incredibly difficult to write about, as no one has the answers but almost everyone has an opinion.
The silver lining is that my job has given me an opportunity to go on a working holiday to Mexico, which couldn't be better. However with recent events I couldn't ask my partner and I took the decision that he couldn't come. I understand right now he has so much to comprehend and come to terms with, but for some reason he hesitates travelling abroad with me. For whatever reason he doesn't want to or can't explain it to me which obviously hurts. It has grown into a bigger issue than it needs to be (at the moment it isn't the right time to discuss it with him) but I can't help but wonder if he is afraid of something. Whatever it is, it makes me sad. I want to enjoy my life and I want to enjoy it with him.
So as an alternative I asked a few people if they wanted to accompany me on the trip. The first being my housemate (who is from New Zealand - this is important for reason's I will explain later). The holiday happens to cross over with a trip her mother has planned over to the UK. The crossover would be a day, but it has inexplicably blown up into a very nasty argument which makes me feel incredibly bad. My trip as highlighted above would always have been a working holiday and a great opportunity for my house mate, so it angers me when her mother and fellow woman doesn't want to support her. But it isn't her mother's point of view, understandably as she has travelled thousands of miles. I worry that I am causing a rift between people at times? My partner and his family and my friends and their families. It's a question I would usually and confidently say no to, I always try reason. My partner being one of the most understanding men I have ever met always says 'try and look at it from the other person's point of view, maybe you aren't considering everything'. And maybe in this case I didn't. So I can only ever apologise.
I search for consistency and strength in my life but its hard to be confident all the time. I am also sure there are 20 somethings out there who feel as if they are failing or falling behind because of the pressure they put on themselves, it's hard to give your or yourself any kind of answer. I guess the only real objective is to keep moving forward and see where you end up.
I have struggled to write a lot of this post as everything feels very raw and emotional but I'm determined to end on a positive note. Spring is a huge metaphor for change, so I can only hope these events will lead me down a path to a happier outcome. I need to take all the positives out of my situation, like my strong relationship, my amazing career opportunity and my determination to not give up! As much as I have moaned and sobbed about my situation I am proud of what I have achieved by myself and that is what I should be focusing on.
This blog was meant to quite light hearted originally and try and unashamedly convince you to buy my cushions (I of course still want you to do that!) but it went along a heavier route. I hope you all made it to the end and thank you if you did.
As a last note, if you are interested in any of the products head over to our page at www.etsy.com/uk/shop/MatsonBailey
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